1. Some Idiot Name DiCaprio Ruined Our World Tour

    It seemed like a simple enough idea at the time. We had an upcoming world tour that needed promoting.  John was the guy for the job.  People listened to John; hell they even called the guy The Prophet.  When that’s your nickname, people typically sit up and listen.

    Only problem was John wasn’t interested in promoting our band.  We sent him letters, heralds.  We even tried sending concubines, but the man couldn’t be swayed.  We had to take drastic measures.

    So imagine our surprise when this round faced, pale skinned cat with slicked back hair approaches us.  Says he can plant the idea for our tour inside The Prophet’s head while he’s asleep.  It sounded like a bunch of hooey, a real fish and loaves kind of thing, but like I said, we were desperate. 

    We had just spent the last of our (my) money on locking down transportation for the tour. Franky was getting so skinny it looked like he hadn’t eaten in two crop cycles.  Jerry had started to lose focus on the band and was trying to get as many female conquests as his dick would allow.  Tim and I were always butting heads, constantly warring over which direction we should take the band.  I started wearing all black, which in this desert climate is about the most metal thing you can do.

    It turns out this inception concept actually works.  Unfortunately for us it didn’t work the way it was supposed to. The Prophet went around blasting that our message was death and destruction.  We’re not about that man; we’re all about the music.  Needless to say, our send off tour was a bust. No one would come to the shows out of fear.  Everywhere we went was just empty towns with no food and no people.  We all went our separate ways after that.  But I’m hopeful. I’ve been in touch with the guys and I think it’s safe to say that we’ll be kickstarting a reunion tour really soon.  So keep your ear to the ground and your fist to the sky because The Four Horsemen are coming to a town near you!

     
  2. Trouble Sleeping

    Lately I’ve been having trouble sleeping.  Usually I’m such a great sleeper that if you were in my room at night you might think, “Is this a bedroom or an opium den?”  But not lately.

    I blame it on the fact that I’ve been unemployed for a few months.  This allows me the ‘luxury’ of staying up late due to a symptom I’ve come to refer to as Way Too Much Time on My Hands.  WTMTMH affects most people from time to time, but this is the worst case I’ve had in years.

    At first it didn’t seem like such a big deal.  I started working out.  Eating better.  I even wrote those scripts I’d been meaning to since graduating college in ’09.  But as I continued to check items off my TO DO list, WTMTMH started to grow in me like a tumor.

    It’s not a tumor you might say if you’re a fan of ‘Kindergarten Cop’, and technically you’d be right. But WTMTMH can be just as deadly.

    One of the main symptoms of WTMTMH is the watching of movies.  I’ve been watching so many movies lately. Any genre really, but with a focus on 80’s action/spy movies.  And I’m starting to develop a phobia because of it.  A staple of any action movie is the neck snap.  The hero walks up behind an unaware foe and with a simple twist of his hands, ends the poor SOB’s life. I don’t know about you but that is freaking terrifying.

    That’s all it takes to die!?  Why are people taking guns into movie theaters when all they have to do is learn forward and twist? It’s silent, clean, and if the movies are to be believed, mostly painless.  I think this new obsession with neck snapping is what’s lead to my sleeping problem.

    It’s not that I’m lying awake at night thinking about how easy it is for other people to get their necks snapped.  It’s that I’m too scared to roll over.  What if I roll over too quickly? What if my body rolls over but my head doesn’t get the message?  Or vice versa? What if overnight my hair fuses itself with the fibers of my pillow and when I try to sit up in the morning I get whiplash?

    Thankfully I haven’t had any incidents to date, but with WTMTMH it’s really only a matter of time before something catastrophic happens.  I need to find a job and soon.  The welfare of my neck depends on it.

    Or I could just switch to Romantic Comedies. 

     
  3. September 3, 2014

    Police in Utah arrested a woman after discovering she had tried to hide the theft of a diamond ring by swallowing it.  This was made less impressive when the x-ray revealed she had also swallowed 27 doughnut holes, the contents of a spray cheese bottle, one of the toys you get from a quarter machine, pieces of a spare tire and a hand-written note that read “do you like me, check yes or no.”

    A new study found that by 6 or 7, children have learned to lie and distrust. Thus proving 6-7 year olds are the perfect candidates for Congress.

    Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson announced that he’ll play Black Adam in the upcoming DC film, Shazam. Not yet announced was who will be playing The Rock’s hairpiece.

    NBC is developing a reality show about a group of grandpas traveling around Asia. It’s tentatively titled “How the Hell did We get Here?”

    NBC is developing a reality show about a group of grandpas traveling around Asia. It’s called “Better Late Than Never” which also describes the groups’ lovemaking. 

    VP Joe Biden gave a speech this morning where he warned ISIS that the United States would follow them to the gates of Hell.  Which sounds like a long trip until you realize that the gates of Hell are actually just up the 101, outside the Kardashian compound. 

     
  4. August 29, 2014

    A human skull was found in the donation bin of a Texas Goodwill.  What’s worse, it was still connected to Madonna’s living body.

    A human skull was found in the donation bin of a Texas Goodwill.  “I can finally finish my Calista doll!” shouted Harrison Ford.

    A German artist hid $16,000 worth of gold bars on a beach in England.  It’s all part of a social experiment to discover if the English are actually capable of getting a tan.

    A German artist hid $16,000 worth of gold bars on a beach in England.  “In your face!” shouted the ever-present beach bum with a metal detector and knee high white socks.

    David Cameron has changed the UK threat level from ‘substantial’ to ‘severe.’  It’s got him in such a tizzy that he had two scones at teatime.

    The Washington Post reported today that ISIS has been water-boarding hostages.  This is truly disappointing.  There are much more effective ways of getting information, like forcing hostages to watch E!’s marathon of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

     
  5. Show the world we want a phone worth keeping! #phonebloks


 http://thndr.it/15eLEMU

    Show the world we want a phone worth keeping! #phonebloks


    http://thndr.it/15eLEMU

     
  6. Living in LA has Ruined Me as a Midwesterner

    I can’t remember the number of times people have said to me, “You’re so nice and you work hard. I can totally tell you’re from the Midwest.” But living out in here in Los Angeles has changed me. Changed me in ways that, little by little, have ruined me as a Midwesterner forever.

    1. In the Midwest, people thank their cashiers, leave gifts for their mail/garbage men, and most importantly, say hello to their neighbors. Here in LA, I live in an apartment building with only five other units.  I have never said hello to any of them. Why? Partly because I assume none of them speak English. With nationalities varying from Chinese, Armenian, and Filipino, odds are I would end up offending them by using the wrong English greeting. Does this make me racist? No. It makes me an Angelino. 

    2. In the Midwest, people take Secret Santa seriously. Weeks of research and spy games go into effect. Email hacking, phone tapping, and tailing are all completely acceptable when it comes to figuring out the perfect gift.  Here in LA, I also participate in Secret Santa’s. My work was just finishing up production and had a half-wrap party/half-holiday party, where we passed out our gifts. Mine was my Secret Santa’s resume.

    3. The only area where my Midwest and West Coast selves align: Word Pronunciation. Being in southern California, Los Angeles has a major Spanish influence. Yet most pronunciations sound exactly like something you would find in the Midwest. The only word that seems to be pronounced correctly is the street name, Cahuenga. The correct pronunciation is “ca-wang-a,” yet the first time you see it, everyone pronounces it the same way, “ca-hu-anga,” which sounds like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle trying to hide the fact that he has a stutter.  Here in Los Angeles. whenever a word is mispronounced and corrected by a friend or co-worker, three things immediately happen:

    i. Shame. Even if you have never seen/heard the word before, you feel like the biggest idiot in the world.

    ii. Blind Acceptance.  Whether the person correcting you is a trustworthy source or not, if they’ve lived in the area longer than you, you accept their chastising as fact.

    iii. Searching. You being an immediate quest for someone to also mispronounce the word so you can correct him or her, feel superior, and start the cycle all over again.

    Second only to Cahuenga on the mispronouncing scale is “Los Feliz.” That’s because though this is a very Spanish phrase, it’s pronounced exactly as if it were a street in the Midwest. The correct pronunciation is “los fay lease”, yet here in LA it’s pronounced “los fee less.”  Which is fine until Christmas rolls around and you feel like an idiot singing your favorite Christmas carol.

     

Writings, Tweets, and Unused Monologue Jokes. Also, please check out my main website: www.kylebenham.com

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